Asking about how I was, boys, etc. And of course, I wasn’t happy about it. And they just said some things that got to me.

Like Lydia said with prom coming up now is not the time to be indifferent. And it’s not much and I don’t know why exactly but it just kinda bugged me. Am I not allowed to not worry about having a date or not to prom?

And then later Alison said they’re all mad at Patrick since he broke me, cause that’s sorta what it’s seems like to them. And that just kinda solidified things with me. I didn’t really realize that it was noticeable or clear to anyone but maybe me. Cause even I wasn’t all that sure. But it just hit me. He did sorta break me. I haven’t been able to stop myself from drifting thoughts to him. I haven’t been able to see the worth in going after guys, especially in high school. And it also makes me a little more upset with him, because he has broken me and I don’t even think he knows it. And this also really makes me want to find out what is going on in his mind. Like, he started talking to me. He just asked me about what my mark was in writer’s craft (we’re tied right now….plan on beating him later) and then just basic small talk/complaining about stuff. And then I was the last one to say anything and he just never responded. But whatever. Not the point.

I just want to know what he thinks of me. But I don’t want this to be a big thing. Which is why maybe just asking Lydia to do it would be okay. Though, I’m sure it would come up at some point. I also need a chance to do so. We’ll see what my motivation does.

Wouldn’t necessarily surprise me given the amount of food I eat but still.

I tried on a dress today and it was a size 3 and the zipper was difficult to get up. Maybe it’s just the maker but normally I fit into a 1 or 2….whatever I guess?

Yes, that is sarcasm. I don’t even know why I’m bothering to post things. I guess cause there’s too much of a debate about putting it on my personal so I might as well let things out here. Even though there is quite a bit….let’s see how much I’ll get through.

Let’s start off by saying that I haven’t necessarily been “okay” lately. What “okay” means I don’t even know. I mean, I feel content enough I guess but not really….feeling….you know? Maybe. I dunno. That’s the other thing, I cannot make a decision about anything. It’s actually terrible.

So why am I not “okay”? I don’t know. Maybe it’s future stuff.  Maybe it’s school stuff. Maybe it’s boy stuff. Maybe I just don’t feel anything. And since I can’t figure out any reason as to why I’m not “okay”, I feel bad in feeling this way but then kinda feel worse at the same time if that makes any sense.

So let’s go in order shall we?

Future stuff. I still don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I think my options are heavily weighted on McGill but nothing is for sure and I’m running out of time. So we’ll see about that.

School stuff. I haven’t felt as though I’ve been doing as well this semestre in school. Writer’s Craft I found out I’m getting a 91 in though so that’s fine. And in French I apparently have a “très belle note”, but I dunno which definition of “très belle” we’re going with. Math I have not being doing well and that’s a fact. But I dunno my mark. And religion should be fine. But ya.

Boy stuff. Now, there are a few things to address here, believe it or not. First off is Tristan. I don’t like him. I will admit I’m seriously interested by him, and I enjoy his company, but I don’t like him. Maybe the fact that I don’t think realistically we would work or that he would even like me. Maybe it’s the impending doom of disaster with the end of high school. Maybe it’s the fact that I don’t think I could like someone that has too many mysteries and friend groups that I don’t necessarily fit in with. But I don’t like him. At the same time, I still want him to be there and talk to and be friends with and I want people to ask about what’s going on. Next we have Michael, who Alison likes. And that is fine. But apparently people (and by people I mean Alison, Lydia, and briefly Laurence) thought that he liked me and I just really don’t want this to happen right now. Like really. Why must a decent guy like me when my best friend likes him? I don’t think he actually does, but it makes me upset cause without someone liking him, I would have been thrilled. But I don’t care enough about him to be all upset over this. So moving on. Patrick…ah yes, the ex-boyfriend is still haunting my life. How long has it been now? Six months about? And he’s still taking over my thoughts. I don’t like him like him anymore I don’t think, but for some reason he just doesn’t get out of my head. I’m dying to know what he thinks of me and want to know if I’ll ever have the opportunity to just tell him how much he really affected me (note: this can be done through a friend). Anyways, I just always think about what was and what could have been and how I miss having him there or whatever. And how much I thought he liked me, only to have him stop. And Emily B. is the best cause she completely gets it and says she’ll give him dirty looks for me. It just makes me feel better. But I just want him to get out of my head and I don’t know how that will happen. Hence the writing about it. I’m thinking of maybe talking to Lydia and asking her to get some information about me from him to just see what’s going on. Of course, that would involve opening up to my friends.

I used to be an open book. Lydia and I were the two open books in our group, and I was okay with that. But now I second guess anything relating to my thoughts or feelings, mainly cause I’m so indecisive about things. And I go back and forth on wanting them to leave me alone and having them ask me questions and give me some attention. And that’s one of my things. I am amazed at how easily I can pass under the radar. Like, really. If anyone else acted how I have in some situations, they would have been all over that with interrogations. With me I maybe get two questions then move on. I dunno. Maybe I just see things differently, or they do that cause they know they probably won’t get an answer, but it’s still kinda annoying. One of the reasons why I don’t play into the little games people (Alison) have to get attention. If I don’t get it, why should I give it to other people?

But I think they’re starting to figure things out and want to ask more about what’s going on in my messed up head and pay some attention to everything. Therefore, I write everything so maybe I’ll have more coherent thoughts when I talk to them? I dunno. I think I touched upon everything but I think there’s still stuff I’ve left out.

This makes me happy. Only by 0.5 and that’ll probably change when we resubmit the assignment, but still. I just want to beat him.

Absolutely incredible. I loved it. And it gave me feel good moments throughout the whole thing. There’s a ton of things that I feel I should talk about.

First of all, Tristan. We know that’s what you really wanna know.

So, I think I’ve decided that whatever sort of attraction, crush, whatever I may have had for him sorta passed. Like, I like being around him and he’s cool and awesome, but I don’t like like him. That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t say no to him if he asked me out or anything. And like, he’s nice. He was saying on the bus ride there that I have really long eyelashes. Yes, just a statement, but he was the first to bring it up and he actually noticed. And then throughout we would make faces at each other. Nothing that we did ever hinted at anything other than friendship, but it was pretty nice. And he still calls me Mimzy.

Then there was the night when him and Aidan stayed in our room. Ya, he did sleep in my bed. But he did ask and check that it was fine that he was stealing my bed. It wasn’t anything personal really; he was already chilling on the top bunk which happened to be my bed. But he did use my pillow and my sleeping bag and ipod were chilling up there. And he almost stepped on me in the morning (I was on the floor) he told me at breakfast. I heard him walking around, but I thought I heard him say something first and I remember thinking that he was (I dunno the word….) upset (?) that I looked cold and I was thinking please just put the sleeping bag on top of me. But he didn’t and I think I imagined him talking.

And when we were playing that kissing compliments game thing on the bus, there were a few when we went back and forth. Anna told me to give best style and I gave it to him. I then gave him best eyes and he gave it to me. This is when I was like hafdgkjladf cause like, everyone there had a different colour of eyes and I just have plain brown eyes. I got that one earlier and had given it to him. And he didn’t even take that long to decide. Then he told me to give most changed but I didn’t want to just go back and forth again so I consulted with Emily and so I gave it to her. And I’m not positive if he gave me the following or if he told someone the trait and they gave it to me but here’s what he said I got: best hair, best laugh. Of what I remember and what was told that is.

It’s just like, ohmygosh he thinks I have really pretty eyes and nice hair and a great laugh like wow. And he’s a cool person. Anna was choosing between me and him for nicest but he beat me out. Just like, ya. Ya. The only thing is that I know there’s an entirely different side to him that I don’t think I would be able to get along with. Not that it would be bad, just that I wouldn’t know what to do.

Then of course there’s the part where Emily admitted she likes Aidan but she doesn’t want to and has sort of been dealing with this since around Christmas. And what she was describing sounded a lot like what I went through with Patrick and a little tiny bit with Tristan. And ya. Don’t know if I’m gonna tell my friends that part…..

I just wanna hang out with these people much more.

Of course, I can’t go to this concert that a couple of bands were playing in cause Alison was singing. And that was great and I don’t regret going! But now I see pictures and see that Tristan was wearing a blazer. A BLAZER.

Can he just stop. Please.

Kind of regretting doing it, but I’m just gonna move on. It was mainly about Tristan. Okay it was pretty much all about Tristan. But whatever. You can refer to that future self if you want.

I ignored Patrick as well. I didn’t want him to read my posts on my personal anymore. The only thing is I dunno if he’ll also be blocked from my regular blog, in which case he’ll probably figure it out.

Patrick. An entirely different story. The other week at our share circle I talked about him and ended up crying….just when I thought I was done with all that and didn’t need to worry about all those feelings anymore. Ugh. Anyways, it was kinda like how we don’t talk anymore and anytime we do it’s cause he wants something from me. That’s how I see it anyways. And I do sorta want him to talk to me. Cause that would show to some extent that he cares. I think that’s the thing with me…I want others to initiate things because then I know that they care to some extent, even if it’s only small. Maybe that’s why I’m so lazy and pathetic when it comes to talking to people…I’m too worried that they won’t care….so I wait for them to show they care.

Back to him. See, I have two classes with him now. He doesn’t sit near me or anything, but he’s there and I can see him and really I don’t like it. I don’t want him there. I don’t want to have to see his face and be reminded of what he did to me. I still go back and forth between hating him and feeling sorry, but nowadays I lean more towards wanting him to just disappear. And sometimes I think he tries too hard to make it seem like everything’s normal when really he’s just bugging me and making me want to disappear. And it’s really disappointing.

I created the whole persona of Amy Fisher from my other blog and ended up talking to him a little while ago. I found out that he still expected to go to the cottage with a bunch of friends. Well, we’re not really friends….did he mean us? Or his new friends? That’s the other thing. He’s all happy now and moved on and with new friends. Yes, I’m happy he’s happy, but I also feel like he’s winning the break-up and I don’t want that. I want to prove how awesome I am and how I don’t need him. But at the same time I wish he was there.

DAMMIT CAN’T HE JUST DISAPPEAR OR DO SOMETHING SO I CAN PROPERLY MOVE ON. UGH.

And then there’s the whole Tristan thing and he’s friends with Tristan and I never want to go talk to Tristan when he’s around so I just leave it. Ugh.

To clarify with the Tristan thing, I don’t like him right now, but I might and I don’t want to. I feel like I can’t like him without knowing more about him. But I like being around him and stuff and I want to continue to see him and talk to him. And I think he may like Morgan. Emma tipped me off on it a couple weeks ago and I could sorta see it. Then today she was telling me about how Morgan acts around guys and flirting and stuff and he was like I’m glad I know but he didn’t know why he was glad and it just seemed like he was glad to know because he liked her.

BOYS ARE STUPID AND I HATE THEM AND THEY NEED TO DISAPPEAR AND STAY AWAY FROM ME SO I CAN FINISH THIS LAST SEMESTER OF HELL IN PEACE.